


Apocalypse Now (Gluten Free)

by Ellynne



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-08
Updated: 2017-04-08
Packaged: 2018-10-16 11:55:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10570803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellynne/pseuds/Ellynne
Summary: It's the end of the fourth season, and a town meeting discusses Rumple's turn to darkness (with cookies!). Humor.





	

_The scene: A town meeting at the diner, since most people don't even bother to pretend that seeing the mayor will accomplish anything. The town clerk, a mostly invisible character whose existence people like Regina never seem to notice, is just finishing up._

**Town Clerk:** So, that deals with the resolution on library funding. By the way, I want to say how wonderfully everyone is dealing with our imminent doom. I know we've dealt with a lot of near-destruction, but I just want to tell you I really think we're all taking it exceptionally well this time.

 **Leroy:** What imminent destruction?

 **Town Clerk:** Oh, you know, the whole thing where the last vestiges of Rumplestiltskin's soul are lost and there's nothing left but an entity of pure evil that's going to go on a rampage and kill everyone. Or maybe trap us all in some kind of living hell and torture us for fun for eternity. It's not really clear which way he'll go. Anyway, good show, everybody.

Now, assuming we're still alive and in any state to get together, next week's meeting will be at the usual time. The nuns will be bringing cookies, assuming there's any food left and that we aren't reduced to eating rats or each other or something even worse.

[ _Looks pointedly at Granny's lasagna_ ]

 **Granny:** What do you mean lose the last vestiges of his soul? When did you find out about this?

 **Town Clerk:** Well, Regina found out about it a few days ago when Rumplestiltskin told Belle. I know I sent out a memo, too, but I thought Madam Mayor told everyone? I know Hook was taunting Rumple about being about to die, even if the Dark One didn't. Regina did about the same thing. By the way, anyone planning on trying to survive the changeover, I'd suggest staying as far away from them as possible. You should also probably stay away from Henry, too. The DO should have all of Rumple's memories, even if he doesn't have his moral restraint. He should know that going after Henry is the worst thing he can do to Regina.

Now, the mother superior has promised me that some of the cookies will be gluten free. However, anyone with special dietary needs—yes, I'm looking at you Mr. and Mrs. Spratt—should check with—

 **Ruby:** Gold would never hurt Henry!

 **Town Clerk:** Yes, but Gold will be dead. Got that? The part or him that _doesn't_ turn people into snails, that spared Robin Hood and tried not to kill Roland when Zelena ordered him to, that part will be gone. Dead. Finito. There will be nothing left except the part that gets a laugh out of killing and torturing. Honestly, did no one read the memo?

 **Leroy:** Let me get this straight, Gold's about to create hell on earth with us as his shish-kabobs, and Hook and Regina were trying to make him even madder?

 **Town Clerk:** Uhm, pretty much. I'd say it was an act of self-sacrifice on their part, drawing his anger towards them, except that being angry seems to speed up the change.

 **Leroy:** So, is it too late to let him rip out the pirate's heart and use the hat to free himself from the dagger?

 **Town Clerk:** Probably.

 **Leroy:** Got it. OK, everybody, race you to the town line.


End file.
